When it comes to creating boundaries between colleagues at work, between neighbours, and between certain friends, I draw a very thick line—or I try to draw it as often as I can. I decided at a young age never to become romantically involved with my colleagues, friends, or neighbors. It is one of the promises I made to myself, but the heart and the universe have a way of making you choose to do things that you believed you would never do.
It all started when I was ill in July. I was suffering from malaria, typhoid, and bad toothaches simultaneously. My neighbour, Michael, was almost the only one checking up on me physically and online to know how I was feeling and if I had taken medications. It was like this for about a month, and he’d always call just to talk to me and discuss random things. He would also send me reels from Instagram and Twitter posts to my WhatsApp. I thought he was just being friendly, and really, I didn’t mind.
On July 28, Michael messaged me, ‘Can I call you?’.
‘Um, sure’, I responded. He called immediately, and I picked up, wondering what he wanted to say to me at that time.
‘Hey, my guy’, he greeted, and we exchanged our usual greetings and banter before his tone suddenly turned serious.
‘I have been wanting to tell you something’, he said.
‘Okay?’, I said, calming myself to listen to what he had to say.
‘I like you, Sarah’, he said. I could feel my heart skip a beat, whether in fear, worry, or joy. I couldn’t figure it out, though.
‘I have always liked you. First, because of your physical appearance. And second, I don’t know. We’ve been talking more lately, and it’s because you’re easy to talk to and you make me feel safe. I started getting really attracted to you months ago, but I could only speak up now since we got closer. I hope you don’t find what I am saying to be offensive?’, he asked.
In my shock and said, ‘Nah. Not at all. It is fine’.
‘I want to pursue something with you, but I want us to discuss it better when you’re back at home’.
‘Alright, then’, I replied.
‘I hope you wouldn’t hate me for saying all these things to you, because I know how you can be’, he said.
I laughed and assured him that we would talk better when I got back home after travelling to my mother’s for the weekend. I didn’t look forward to the conversation we were to have because this was someone I had been attracted to for the past few months, and I just finally succeeded in keeping my feelings at bay before he hit me with the ‘I have always liked you’ statement. I ruminated on the things he said until I returned home on Sunday. I had arrived at home really late, and he was waiting for me to welcome me home. I was surprised.
I showered, had dinner, and stepped out of the compound to talk to him. We took a walk in silence to the junction leading to the house we lived in. There is a small shed at that junction, used as a mechanic’s workshop. The night was cold and breezy, and we found wooden benches laid on their sides in front of the shed. Michael took one and set it up so we could sit under the tree standing nearby. I shivered despite putting on a thick sweater.
‘Would you let me like you, Sarah?’, he asked.
I sat in silence, unresponsive, letting the cold air wash over me.
'I need to know what you are thinking. I wouldn’t know what to say or do otherwise’, he said to me, his tone sounding like a plea.
‘You have a girlfriend, Michael, and we all know each other, including the other neighbours’, I said to him.
He breathed out. ‘I know. But every time I see you, I want to lift you up, swing you around, and probably kiss you. It’s getting harder with every passing moment. Despite all these things I feel for you, I don’t want you to be my side chick, and at the same time, I cannot end my relationship with Mary’.
‘So, what do you want me to do?’, I asked, hands raised. ‘I don’t like you. I don’t want —’. The buzz I felt from the sudden touch of his hands on my wrist cut my words short. It felt nice, like a certain peace.
‘Do you want to lie to me? I am sure that I am not the only one in this situation.
‘I will not admit to anything, Michael. Whatever I want to say is better left unsaid. I won’t have you break another girl’s heart for me, and I won’t have you make promises to me that you would never fulfil anyway; besides, I don’t date my neighbours'.
‘Interesting. One of us may have to move out of our compound for sanity. You are all I think about these days’, he said.
‘You should think about your girlfriend, Michael, instead of trying to use and take advantage of me’.
‘I would never take advantage of you', he promised. ‘I want you to be mine. I want to be in your life. I want to be yours’, he added.
‘You belong to another’.
'How are you so sure? Would you think about it?’
Sighing, I agreed, and we went back home to sleep after bidding each other goodnight.
A few weeks later, we got closer, cooking and eating together, giving each other massages after a long and stressful day at work, and just enjoying each other’s company.
He was in my room earlier today, and I looked at him, thinking, ‘What is this that I feel towards him? Is he using me? What are we doing? Could this be the start of a true friendship or relationship? Would he be able to get close to me and break my heart, or would his girlfriend end up breaking my head?' I like him, but I cannot let myself like him for fear of him hurting someone else, or more at my expense, for fear of getting hurt and heartbroken. A part of me wants to let him in, but tonight I have decided that I will keep my feelings at bay and let them go.