So, at the beginning of last year, I finally got my butt to therapy after realizing that I had a set of triggers and a very large pile of smelly, unresolved trauma that I'd been hiding under my proverbial mental carpet for the majority of my time on this planet so far.
There was so much stuff hiding there that I was tripping over it and as much mental Febreze as I tried to spray on it, It finally came to the point where the trash had to be taken out. You know, the icky stuff: the bad memories and regrets that are somewhat like the 4 week old sandwich I know my son has hidden in the back of my car somewhere, that I really would rather just pretend it's not there than actually deal with it.
Image Source: Legit the back of my car, during the time that my son was hiding his school sandwiches, pretending he'd eaten them so I'd give him chocolate
But along has come the dreaded midlife (omg: seriously? Because I still feel like I'm 20 but with lots of back and joint pain and ibuprofen) and I've realised that, and I'm quoting Brené Brown here: "I'm half way to dead". That mental rug that I keep shoving my shit under had now almost completely blocked the doorway to the rest of my life. It was time to unpack, examine, heal and forgive, but also time to learn to let go.
And those are damn scary words
When you're done reading this chapter please go watch this clip of hers:
But having just met the right man at the beginning of 2020 and starting my life over and trying to start the process of blending our families and moving towards our dreams, I realised that my old hurts were causing me to react out of turn. Almost reflexively. Things were making me hurt, and cry and lash out and after taking time to breath and having extremely healthy communication, I realised it wasn't him. And I realized I was starting to self sabotage and I had a very real danger of sabotaging this incredible chance life had given me, after all the absolute hell, shit and heartache I had trudged through, I had a real chance at reaching for my dreams and building a better life than I could have imagined possible, and I very nearly chucked in the towel because of my unresolved trauma.
Then out of the blue, Covid hit, and I knew it would make or break me mentally. Either it would make or break our relationship and to be honest, I wasn't even sure we'd make it as the human race. I remember when our 1st lockdown here in South Africa was announced, for 30 days. And I counted the days and divided my cigarettes (yes, tobacco was even banned) and I just barely made it: Only for it to be extended again. Here's an illustration of what was going on in my mind at the time that happened 🤣🙈:
A lot of what followed was damn hard. I had a lot of time to think and no where to hide. No wine to drink (that was banned too) and no friends to distract me. I needed to realise that there was so much I needed to unlearn, so many boundaries I needed to start setting up and so many walls that needed to come down. If you've been through similar experiences to me or have your own trauma, I seriously recommend doing this with a therapist. Seriously. Because out of everyone I was conditioned to mistrust, my biggest enemy was actually myself, and that really needed to change. I'd been lying to myself for years. About my worthiness. About my heart and even about my right to be alive. I'd considered suicide several times and convinced myself that I was not worthy of love. This narrative developed from multiple traumas in my formative years, but I never went to therapy to set the record straight, and I simply never had an example healthy enough relationship, romantic or familial for me to have any clue of what to aim for in my marriage or in motherhood. It really felt like I went into adulthood blind. SO my brain was conditioned to continue the narrative I was taught as a child and I allowed myself to get myself into one unhealthy narcissistic and abusive situation to the next. I was doomed to continue repeating the story over and over because I could not find my way out of this mental hamster wheel I'd become trapped in.
Sadly, although my childhood trauma and even abuse suffered by me in adulthood was definitely not my fault, I am really shit at setting boundaries, and in a way, I trained the people closest to me how to use me as a doormat. How do you fix that after spending your whole life believing that was your place in the world?
Flipping uncomfortably. That's how. I can laugh a bit now, but there's nothing people hate more than when boundaries start being set where there were none. The behaviour that was previously allowed is no longer accepted and access to my heart and soul now comes at a price. And I get to chose who gets tickets. It hurt like hell when my bid for freedom and mental healing was misinterpreted by those who were supposed to love me the most, but eventually it was worth it. My story of recovery is far from over, but let me tell you how incredibly freeing it is to be authentic. I feel like I have an even greater capacity to love because I finally love myself. There was a time where I literally could not make eye contact with myself in the mirror because I couldn't stand the person looking back at me. Now, I can finally look at myself in the mirror and smile back and say I see you, I hear you, You are brave, I am Proud of you, You are beautiful and you deserve to be loved."
Image Source: The Road Trip From Hell: A beautiful picture on the surface, but also a moment of awakening for @ZakLudick and I to that changes needed to happen and hard truths needed to be accepted for us to move forward, authentically and lovingly, for us and our kids. The moment we realised that the acceptance we sought would be found in eachother and not externally. We would need to build the family we craved.
So, let me be straight up with you. You can't do this without therapy. You need an unbiased professional to help you untangle this. Not your mom, not your partner, not your friends. Especially when your trauma has taught you that you can't trust your own judgement. How are you supposed to be able to tell the difference between triggers and real red flags? I realised I had absolutely no idea. I realised I came incredibly close to throwing away the best thing that has ever happened to me because I could not trust my heart or my head. So when restrictions were lifted, I made my appointment with the local counselling centre.
Therapy is damn uncomfortable. Like I hated going but I loved how I felt when I left after every session. I hated that my therapist didn't take any of my nonsense and called me out on all my unhealthy coping mechanisms, including my favourite: inappropriate humour about my mental health. I also hated that she wanted to take my sadness away! I mean, that sounds hilarious now, but we were like two or three sessions in, and i was balling my eyes out and rambling about "the dark years," and my therapist said to me :"What are you going to do, after our 10 sessions are done, and lets say - hypothetically - that your sadness is gone?" And I was like, oh hell no! don't you take my sadness from me!
And then I was like..... oh god, we're going to be here a lot longer than 10 sessions... aren't we....
So a year of therapy later, I established that those I'd grown to go to for my comfort and guidance, were no longer healthy, and as I discovered the power of boundaries and authentic love, those who did not grow with me grew angry. I realised that no matter what I said, my words would be twisted and the truth would be lost. There would be no amount of explaining that would ever set the record straight. And I had to let go of the responsibility of changing peoples perspectives or trying to tell my side of the story to people who did not have the capacity to listen. And as hard as it was, I, with the help of my therapist and my partner, started creating distance and learned to stand on my own two feet.
Photo source: me, rediscovering my love of music
In this dissection of my own bad mental habits, and unhealthy family and friends from my life, there has been hurt, there has been fear, there has been self doubt, but ultimately, I have regained power over my own destiny and I have truly never been more authentic, loved, honoured and successful in my life. My dreams are coming true every day, and although there will certainly be bumps in the road, I now know who is on the journey with me for the long haul. To celebrate my successes and to dust me off and love me when I fall.
And my god, is my gratitude boundless, and my heart overflowing.
Photo Source: @ZakLudick and I holding the keys to our future